In communication, reciprocity means that in response to friendly actions, people are frequently nicer and more cooperative; conversely, in response to hostile actions, people will usually respond similarly. That is why so many people who are trying to sell stuff to you will offer you kindness, incentives and compliments. Usually they are trying to create a positive context so that you will respond favorably. This concept is useful in thinking about communication because it gives you insights about how to change the course of a conversation. If you remember that positive actions can result in reciprocated positive action, you can change the way the conversation is going. If things are not going well, try responding in a positive way like showing kindness, concern and/or love toward the other person. There are no guarantees in any conversation but showing sincere love and kindness definitely can't hurt. If we think about reciprocity and the golden rule, we can see how thinking about others and treating them the way we would like to be treated is a good communication strategy (and a good way to live!)
Interestingly, there are many cultures and religions that have a version of the "golden rule."
Christianity says: "You should love your neighbors as you love yourself."
Judaism says: "What is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow humans."
Islam says: "Hurt no one so that no one may hurt you."
Hinduism says: "This is the sum of duty: to do nothing to others which would cause them pain."
Buddhism says: "Do not do to others what would hurt you."
The Shawnee tribe says: "Do not kill or injure your neighbor, for it is not he or she that you injure; you injure yourself."
There are two picture books that explain this concept well. Ilene Cooper's book called "The Golden Rule" and Laurie Keller's book "Do unto Otters."
Cooper's book beautifully captures this concept. There is a part where the grandpa teaches his grandson about imaging someone else's feelings. The boy asks, "So, Grandpa, how can I start to practice the Golden Rule?" The grandpa responds, "You begin by using your imagination...You imagine how someone else feels. For instance, a new child who is joining your class. How do you think that boy or girl is feeling." This is a great lesson for the grandson about reciprocity and imagined interaction.
"Do unto Otters" is hilarious. It is a great example of reciprocity. There is a classic line in the book, "Everyone appreciates a kind act no matter how bad it smells." That's a good one to remember!
Although, if you are not an otter, I think you might want to try to do unto others things that smell good:)
Just a suggestion!
I was encouraged to learn from the post that practically all of the major world religions have some version of the Golden Rule. Admittedly, I'm still fearful of whether showing the type of care for others that I would hope to receive will actually return to me. Should we let go of our expectations for others to return good deeds to us? Or is reciprocity usually automatic when kindness is shown?
ReplyDelete-Kody Hansen
Nice comment Kody! I think the best thing to do is to let go of expectations and show others sincerity in our communication actions. That is the only way it will be reciprocated. If we have an agenda/expectations, our partner might detect that and not respond in kind. Think about salespeople--we usually suspect that their kindness is "put-on" so that we will buy something. Thus, we are skeptical of it. When this is the case, we are usually not going to reciprocate the action. If we really care about someone and we want the communication to be healthy, we should show sincere positive action toward them and be hopeful, but not demanding or expecting, that they will mirror our action. If this never happens, then the relationship is probably doomed :)
ReplyDeleteThis post was very thought provoking. I've heard of The Golden Rule since I was a little kid, but I had not idea other cultures also had their own form of The Golden Rule. It's so interesting how quickly communication interactions can change- for better or worse- when we approach it in different ways with different attitudes and desires.
ReplyDeleteSo true, Lindsey! That is why it can be so helpful to keep this in mind when communicating. You can always try to improve the conversation and hopefully the other person will follow you.
ReplyDeleteSince you brought otters into this, I had to order the book for my niece. :)
ReplyDeleteWhen speaking about imagining others feelings, I thought about my day. To be honest, I don't know that I looked outside myself once today during my interactions with others. It seems so routine to want to state my case, and worry about myself in so many mundane instances ranging from social media, texting my wife, answering the door salesman who looked terrified. I can definitely recognize how some of these interactions today were very one-sided indeed, and did not grant the same respect I felt that I was given.
Reciprocity, once again sales man who do not learn reciprocity have skinny children. No one wants to be approached by a door-to-door sales man. As as door-to-door sales man i understand that. Because it can be awkward to be approached by a sales man i often have people open the door and immediately begin to yell and scream. How i respond is very important! If i respond back by yelling and screaming the possibility of making the sale is over; however, if i respond calmly and exactly the opposite of he or she will almost always calm down and begin communicating in a respectful way.
ReplyDeleteThat book title is adorable! It is so true, kindness and love can't hurt when trying to turn a conversation around! It can be hard to remember if the conversation is heated, but if you use kindness it may eliminate the problem a little faster! I also liked all of the different cultures and religions. All of these religions and cultures are different, but have very similar ways of thinking.
ReplyDeleteI think the "Do unto Otters" book looks hilarious so I'm probably going to have to read that one. I also love how you put the "golden rule" for various religions, I found that very interesting.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting, especially the part with many world and region religions have the Golden Rule. That shows how important it is. If so many different people incorporated this rule into their religion. The books also sound interesting and show that the golden rule is something that should be applied to life and communication.
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