Good times ahead! Learning Optimism.

"A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties."--Harry S. Truman

Did you know that optimism is learned? According to Martin Seligman PhD, a psychologist and educator, learned optimism is an idea in positive psychology stating that a positive outlook can be cultivated, like any other talent.

This idea is contrasted with learned helplessness. Learned helplessness theory is the view that negative outlook may result from a perceived absence of control over the outcome of a situation. The word perceived is so important because it means it can be changed. It's a perspective that is steeped in a pessimistic viewpoint.

Learned optimism is done consciously by challenging negative self talk. Seligman states that the benefits to an optimistic outlook are many including: higher achievement and better health overall.

So what does this have to do with communication? A lot actually. It relates to framing and reframing. In communication we filter our perceptions of the world in particular ways, essentially making some aspects of our multi-dimensional reality more noticeable than other aspects. We put frames on everything.

When we communicate we are framing while we are processing information. Sometimes we get stuck in a "helpless" or victim position, where we believe that we can't change the course of a conversation. However, reframing can help when we are stuck. We can always reframe a conversation. Think about a how changing a picture frame can change the way we see a picture. It is the same idea with communication. Rather than give up and call it a defeat, we can always step outside of the conversation, regroup, and try a new approach. This is where we can think about learned optimism. Learning skills like optimism can help us to have a positive attitude about others and our communication. We can shift our mindset by reframing. We can look at things with a fresh perspective!

There is a picture book that elaborates this concept well. It is called, "Not a Box" by Antoinette Portis. It is a simple story with a great message about reframing. The book states, "A box is just a box...unless it's not a box." From a mountain to a rocket ship, a small rabbit shows that a box will go as far as the imagination allows.

When we see things with only one possibility (i.e., a box) without using any creativity or imagination, we limit our choices. Opening up our mind to multiple possibilities and potential outcomes is a way to start learning optimism and improving our communication.

Reciprocity...I like the sound of that!

Reciprocity is the idea that one action will usually match another action (think of the word reciprocal).

In communication, reciprocity means that in response to friendly actions, people are frequently nicer and more cooperative; conversely, in response to hostile actions, people will usually respond similarly. That is why so many people who are trying to sell stuff to you will offer you kindness, incentives and compliments. Usually they are trying to create a positive context so that you will respond favorably. This concept is useful in thinking about communication because it gives you insights about how to change the course of a conversation. If you remember that positive actions can result in reciprocated positive action, you can change the way the conversation is going. If things are not going well, try responding in a positive way like showing kindness, concern and/or love toward the other person. There are no guarantees in any conversation but showing sincere love and kindness definitely can't hurt. If we think about reciprocity and the golden rule, we can see how thinking about others and treating them the way we would like to be treated is a good communication strategy (and a good way to live!)

Interestingly, there are many cultures and religions that have a version of the "golden rule."

Christianity says: "You should love your neighbors as you love yourself."

Judaism says: "What is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow humans."

Islam says: "Hurt no one so that no one may hurt you."

Hinduism says: "This is the sum of duty: to do nothing to others which would cause them pain."

Buddhism says: "Do not do to others what would hurt you."

The Shawnee tribe says: "Do not kill or injure your neighbor, for it is not he or she that you injure; you injure yourself."


There are two picture books that explain this concept well. Ilene Cooper's book called "The Golden Rule" and Laurie Keller's book "Do unto Otters."

Cooper's book beautifully captures this concept. There is a part where the grandpa teaches his grandson about imaging someone else's feelings. The boy asks, "So, Grandpa, how can I start to practice the Golden Rule?" The grandpa responds, "You begin by using your imagination...You imagine how someone else feels. For instance, a new child who is joining your class. How do you think that boy or girl is feeling." This is a great lesson for the grandson about reciprocity and imagined interaction.

"Do unto Otters" is hilarious. It is a great example of reciprocity. There is a classic line in the book, "Everyone appreciates a kind act no matter how bad it smells." That's a good one to remember!

Although, if you are not an otter, I think you might want to try to do unto others things that smell good:)
Just a suggestion!

What's in a word???

What is in a name? What is in a word for that matter? Shakespeare was an amazing wordsmith and the list of words he invented, which are still part of our everyday language, is numerous, estimates are around 1700. Here are some examples: swagger, obscene, luggage, and bump. This happens because we all work together to create, sustain, and maintain our language. That's what it means to be "socially constructed." New words pop up all of the time like, "Googling" something or wearing a "Hoodie." Words are always changing and evolving. 

 Interestingly when someone says something out of place (whether that is because of time, place, to get attention, or misuse) we can become jarred by it. For example, if I say someone just got a "flat-top" or you drive a "flip-top," you might be confused, depending on your ability to translate an out-of-date phrase. Well, let me enlighten you: a "flat-top" is a men's hairstyle which probably will make a come back any day. And a "flip-top" is a convertible car. 

Awesome flat-top

Even awesomer flip-top

In order to better understand words, we need context and sometimes explanations. Some authors believe that they should follow the rules of language and some-- really don't :)

Dr. Seuss is famous for this. In his book, If I Ran a Zoo, Dr. Seuss was the first person to document the word nerd. Some people believe he invented it. I like to think he did. So here is a picture of the first "nerd."

Another famous author made up his own words in the famous poem, "Jabberwocky." Lewis Carroll created the famous words "chortle" and "galumphing." If you don't know this poem: find it and read it! It's awesome.

I like it when authors are courageous enough to push the boundaries of language. It makes life more interesting, vibrant, and creative!

Do you know where the word "yahoo" originated? Hint: in a book about someone's famous travels.

Imagining the Right Thing to Say at the Right Time

Do you know how sometimes you think of the right thing to say after you have left a conversation? Or you might think of the right thing to say before a conversation and then forget it during the conversation? This happens to me sometimes. It can be so frustrating. It can also be helpful.


Interestingly, there is a communication theory called "Imagine Interaction Theory" that describes this phenomenon. From this theory, we know that our imagination can help us to be more effective in our communication by proactively and/or retrospectively evaluating our communication by looking for ways to improve.

In this way, we are not looking at the "botched" communication as frustrating but as helpful. It is a strategy we can use to change the way we communicate, allowing us to reflect on past and future communication experiences.

There are lots of picture books that are about imagination and imaginary play including: Let's Do Nothing by Tony Fucile and Imagine a Day by Sarah Thomson and Rob Gonsalves. In fact, many of my favorite books are about imagination like, Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak and Duck on a Bike by David Shannon.

Many picture books involve imagination and they are amazing. But I am still looking for a book that specifically captures how we can imagine better communication. A book that says something like, "I should of said this" and "I could of said that." Next time, "I will say this". This format is pretty boring but I know of a lot of amazing author's who could write something wonderful with this in mind.





When thinking about imagination and communication, good stories can help. They open us up to new possibilities that may be even outside the scope of our own imagination. A good story can anchor our identity while pushing us to our potential. It keeps us grounded while setting us free.

A good story may even help us to figure out the right thing to say at the right time. Imagine that! Now, wouldn't that be magical? I think so.

Communication is like Driving a Car

Communication is kind of like driving a car.

It's not like riding a bike--once you know how you can always do it. What I mean is that communication is like driving a car because:

EVERYONE thinks they are good at it BUT a lot of people are NOT.

Think about it. Do you think you are a good driver? Most people do. Do you think you are a good communicator? Most people do. Now think about this: Do you think most people are good drivers? Probably not. How about communicators? Probably you think many people have room to improve.



Most of the time we give ourselves more credit than we deserve on both our abilities to drive and communicate.













I think that we especially have room to improve when it comes to listening. Listening is hard!!!


Recently, I asked my students about listening. They all agreed that they are generally good at it. So to illustrate the point, I had a student come to the front of the class and she explained to the other students that she had a problem that she needed to resolve.

I told the students that in order to help her they could only ask useful questions and acknowledge her feelings. The questions had to be useful and productive (i.e., exploratory questions that generate helpful options). If a student asked an ineffective question, I called them out on it. Soon, the students started to struggle. They were so used to being "bad listeners" (interrupting, talking about themselves, asking leading questions, etc.,) that soon, there were no more questions. But since they were all required to ask 2 questions each, things got interesting. I started to notice them straining to come up with questions that met the criteria of being an effective question.

Then, I reminded them that they had just told me that "listening is easy" and that they believe that they are "good communicators." So, I asked them, "What happened?" I got lots of smiles and acknowledgment that it is often harder than we think.

Lesson learned: it is much harder to be an effective communicator when you actually have to be effective!

I shared a picture book with the class called Hello, Hello! It is a good one on listening and communicating. Once Lydia was done playing with all of her gadgets, she looked around for someone in which to communicate. She starts saying Hello to everyone but everyone is too busy with their gadgets to respond. So she goes outside and starts communicating with the world. It is magical because the world communicates back to her. She shows her family and says goodbye to gadgets and hello to the world.

This is a great example of paying attention, listening effectively, and being engaged in life.

Storytelling--Surrender to Wonder!

"The Greatest Art in the World is Art of Storytelling"--Cecil B. DeMille

Why tell stories?  Most of the time when we tell stories we have reasons for telling the story in a particular way. Some of the reasons are: to sort out things in our lives, give explanations, impress others, teach lessons, record history, mark successes, make someone laugh, and/or cheer someone up. Sometimes our reason is that we just want to connect with someone else so we tell them a story.

Storytelling is a huge part of how and why we communicate. It affirms who we are. It connects us with others. Stories can transcend time and space; they can be real, imaginary, or both. According to Andrew Stanton, a writer and director for Disney/Pixar, "A good story can evoke wonder." When we read a great story we "surrender to wonder" and are compelled to pass it on.





 "We have a profound need to tell and hear stories. It is how we share experiences, understand each other, and create community. Every conversation is full of personal anecdotes; every effort to explain shared customs and values needs a tale; every bit of wisdom is best expressed by a story. The very way our minds think is the essence of story. So to master powerful and effective communication, to engage people and ensure they remember facts, or to break down barriers of isolation within or between groups, telling stories in some form is essential."--Anonymous



There are many forms of storytelling. My favorite kind is in picture books.

In a book called, Voices in the Park by Anthony Brown, storytelling is the subject of the story. Brown tells a story about one moment in time at a city park, narrated by four voices with four different perspectives. Each character narrates the interaction at the park from their individual perspective. This is an interesting story that illustrates the ways in which our own points-of-view shape the way we see the world. Also, it shows how we can be at the same place at the same time and yet we interpret things in unique and individual ways. The illustrations in the book are excellent and contribute to telling the story by showing how the interactions overlap. Through stories, like Voices in the Park, we can learn a lot about our identities.




We can ask ourselves:
"Why do I feel compelled to tell certain stories?"
"Why do I connect with certain stories?"
"Why do I share certain stories?"
"What does this teach me about myself?"

Storytelling contributes to making us who we are. And as one of my ultimate favorite storyteller reminds us:

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” --Dr. Seuss.

Negotiation and Picture Books

One night while reading to my children, I realized that the picture book I was reading was one of the best examples I had ever read about negotiation. It was a book about cows, a duck, and a farmer who were negotiating a trade of milk for blankets. There was a stand-off, compromises were made, there was give-and-take, and eventually the cows and the farmer settled on a comfortable resolution for both parties. After many years of studying communication at the University level, I was astounded by this book’s ability to make the complexity of negotiation come to life in such a vivid, illuminating, and simple way. This book is called "Click, Clack, Moo." 

After such a powerful discovery, I decided to search for other picture books that had a similar effect and I found many. I realized that these picture books could help children (and adults!) learn how to become better communicators in a very effective way. They were simple yet complex, humble yet powerful.

           

I have always believed that good communication can change the world. I also believe that one conversation can change the course of your life, for good or bad. So why not make it a good conversation?! Working with students to improve communication skills is important and critical work. There are many skills that go into successful communication. And there are so many wonderful picture books that can help us teach communication skills.

What are your favorites?

Picture Books!

I love picture books. They are a great education tool for people of ALL ages. I use them in my University Communication classes often. The students LOVE them. REALLY, they do! I also use them to illustrate important points at the University Law School when I guest lecture. I have been invited back 4 times to guest lecture because the students love learning about negotiation, communication and relationships using children's picture books. Of course, the best audience to share picture books with is the littlest people, mostly because they are the cutest, smartest, most hilarious, wonderful (I could go on and on) humans I have ever known!

So, my purpose here is to create a forum for sharing ideas with teachers, parents, homeschoolers, kids, and anyone else interested in this topic. My promise to you is that I will always use integrity on this blog. I am here because I love these books. I will never talk about a book which I haven't read. I am not doing this for profit. I am sharing my passion with you. That is my only motivation.
To start things off, I will share with you my favorite picture book authors and my favorite picture books. This list is hard for me to compile because I have SO MANY favorites. It would be easier to write a top 100 list.

But here goes...

Favorite Authors:
10. Bill Martin Jr.
9. Eric Carle
8. David Shannon
7. Shel Silverstein
6. Kevin Henkes
5. Margaret Wise Brown
4. Doreen Cronin
3. Peggy Rathmann
2. Dr. Seuss

And

MY ULTIMATE FAVORITE AUTHOR - wait for it...
1. Mo Willems!


Favorite Books:

10. Duck on a Bike by David Shannon
9. Stellaluna by Janell Cannon
8. The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein
7. The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle
6. Goodnight, Gorilla by Peggy Rathmann
5. Click, Clack, Moo by Doreen Cornin
4. Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown
3. Officer Buckle and Gloria by Peggy Rathmann
2. Knuffle Bunny: A Cautionary Tale by Mo Willems

MY ULTIMATE FAVORITE BOOK- wait for it...

1. Don't let the Pigeon Drive the Bus!  by Mo Willems

Actually, all of the Pigeon books are my favorite !!!! Love that little guy!

I would also like to spotlight a new wonderful book I just read today called:

Imagine a Day by Sarah Thomson.
So creative, so imaginative! Love the illustrations! Love the last page!! Highly recommended.


That is all for now. I am excited to keep writing and especially to keep reading!!!